Love, The Struggle
by ACBL
Summary: Lily Evans doesn't know what is different this year. Maybe it's her, maybe it's him. It could be something that's always been there, but has finally escaped. She isn't sure, but she does know this year is going to be different than the rest.
1. a very unexpected encounter

Chapter 1

"James Potter you arrogant little jackass, get the hell out of the girl's dormitory. Nobody wants you in here," Lily Evans barked at him as he startled her when she came out of the bathroom simply in a towel.

"Evans, you should be more careful of how you come out of the bathroom dressed," snickered James as he made sure of looking her over from top to bottom. If he had ever wished he had x-ray vision, now was the time!

"I shouldn't have to worry about how I come out dressed considering it's my dorm room," she shouted. She slowly regained her calmness that she never has around James Potter. "Listen," she laughed, "This is so stupid, you are in my dorm, now let go get out of this towel, then we can talk rationally." She knew James wasn't gonna settle for that, he loved to see her when she was mad. She remembered the one time him telling her, "Lily, argue with me all the time because you're so hot when you do it. Never stop!" That comment had made her sick to her stomach. So, ever since that day, she has tried very hard to keep cool with him, this way it makes him mad and he's so cute when he's pissed off. Hell he's cute every time I see him.

"Alright Evans, as much as I wanna see you take that towel off, I guess I'm gonna have to go with the fact that you're gonna go change, then you're gonna come out here and end up taking your clothes back off again." He smiled.

The smile she had been wearing had now left her face, "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. If you really wanna find out what I mean, then go get dressed, or you can stand there and keep arguing with me, either way I'm getting to see a whole lot of skin." He loved when he did this to her, because no matter what, she always made him smile.

She saw the smile flash across his face. No matter how much she hated him, she couldn't fight the fact that she was in love with his smile. That was the smile caused her to fall off the train in first year. But his personality was what made her get up and slap him. It was now 7th year, and he still made her weak in the knees whenever he smiled at her, then make her wanna turn around and slap him. I don't think he'll ever change!

Finally after she stood there with a dazed look on her face for a few minutes, James started to get worried. Lily was never one to freeze at a comment made about her, was she okay?

"Lily," he said. Her eyes trailed up his body with a seductive look in them. "Are you okay?" His voice was shaky. She was now really scaring him, she had never before had that look in her eyes. What is she trying to do?

Lily couldn't help but smile to herself. James was talking about seeing me in a towel. What would he think if I was standing in front of him with nothing on. What would he do? Lily had her own little plan working inside her head.

She walked over to James, his face in astonishment, and slowly slid her hands up his chest, and held him around the neck. She could see the look on his face that he had gotten great pleasure from that, but she wasn't gonna let it show, that she truly was enjoying it too.

The look in her eyes went from scary to sweet and innocent. She knew exactly what she as doing to toy with him.

"James you wanted to see more skin, didn't you?," she asked with a shy and timid voice.

He was now pinned against the wall by Lily. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what she was doing. This wasn't the normal Lily Evans, this was like psycho Lily. He liked it!

"Uumm… well I did… but now I don't think it's such a good idea," he stuttered out.

"Well, I do," she said as she released the towel from around her. The towel fell to the ground around her ankles. She pushed her body up against his.

He wanted to look down at her, but he didn't. "What are you doing Evans?" he couldn't resist any longer, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even closer to his body.

"The same thing that you are Potter." She smiled and put her arms around his neck once again. She kissed him. He kissed her back. They both greatly enjoyed it, each of them could tell.

James wasn't exactly sure what was going on. He liked it, and had wanted it for the last few years, but Lily had made it quite evident that it was the last thing she wanted. So why all of a sudden was it happening?

He pulled away. "Lily, stop, what are you doing?"

She wasn't sure what she was doing, but she was definitely enjoying it. "James, stop fighting it, please. I want this, and I know you do, too." She kissed him again and unbuttoned the front of his shirt.

He was tired of trying to fight it. "You're right," he said through kissing her, "You're so right." She pulled away just enough for him to see the smile flash across her face. He smiled back and they continued kissing.

Things were getting hotter in the dormitory. Thank God everyone else was at Hogsmeade that day. If anybody had ever walked in and saw this, she'd never be able to go into the Great Hall again.

James was now only in boxers. They were laying on her bed. She knew she was never going to be able to stop now. She was going to lose her virginity to James Potter, tonight. She didn't wanna stop, yet another part of her did.

As all of this was going through her mind, she felt James slide his hand all the way down her body. He slowly, but with great force spread her legs apart. He then slowly slid his finger into her. She let out a huge groan. He smiled. She then slid his boxers to his ankles. This is going to be it.

He picked his head up and looked at her, his eyes were glossy looking. He opened his mouth to say something, but she quickly put her hand over his mouth. He kissed her hand making her quickly pull it away. He said in a quiet, sincere voice, "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

She once again smiled, "yes, I'm sure!"

He slowly dropped his body between her legs. Slowly, she felt him move inside her. It hurt her so bad, but she wasn't gonna cry, he was being so gentle with her. Maybe he really does care… meaning that I was wrong… he really wanted me… he cares bout me… I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

They laid still, motionless for over an hour. They didn't even wanna look at each other.

"Lily, are you okay?," James finally said.

She rolled over so that she was facing him, looked into his hazel eyes, and said, "Yes, I'm fine, just not sure what happened. I mean I know what we just did. I just don't know what I've done."

He put his arm around her, "What do you mean?"

She pressed closer to him, she felt so right being in his arms. She had wanted to be with him. But she was always afraid. "I mean I think I wanted this. But I didn't think that you did. Then I realized that it wasn't just about the sex for you was it? It was about me, wasn't it?"

He comforted her as much as he could, then realized what she was getting at, "So you thought I'd just screw any girl that would let me?" The smile that he had been wearing a couple of minutes earlier was now completely gone form his face. "You were trying to play me. You really didn't wanna just do that did you? At least not with me. I knew something wasn't right."

"That's not what happened," she started. That was all she could say before he cut her off.

"Save it," he said as he pulled away from her, put his clothes on and then stormed out of the girl's dormitory. He turned his head slightly around when he went to close the door, he realized Lily was crying, but for the first time ever, he didn't care.

She laid in bed crying for about two hours. She only realized the time because she heard Raven come into the dormitory. Raven walked in and saw Lily lying there crying.

"Lily, what happened," Raven asked running over to her. "Who did this to you? Did they rape you? I'm gonna go get James so he can kill whoever did this to you."

When Lily heard the name James come out of raven's mouth all she could do was scream. "No!" Tears once again ran down her face.

"Lily if you weren't raped then what happened?"

By this time Torey had walked in. They were trying to figure out what happened, and Lily wasn't saying much.

Lily tried to hold back tears as much as she could so that she could answer their questions, but it wasn't working to good. She did manage to say through sobs, "I…I… It's James."

The two girls went over to Lily, they didn't understand. Raven decided to figure it out. "James did this to you? I don't understand, Lily. He cares for you. He would never rape you."

Torey chimed in, "Yea Lily, you're not making any sense."

At that exact moment they realized what she was saying, It's James, he was standing in the doorway. Neither realized until Lily pointed in that direction. James was now trying to hide his anger. He was upset from what had happened before, now Raven and Torey thought he had raped her. "What the hell were you thinking?," he blurted out. "Me rape Lily? Are you out of you fucken mind? Why in the hell would I ever hurt her?"

With these words coming out of his mouth, he felt a tear roll down his cheek. He took a quick glance at Lily, she was crying again and her face was all red. He wanted to go over to her, to work things out, but it was like his feet were planted to the ground, and he couldn't move.

"Stop it," Lily cried. "All of you, stop it! This entire thing is my fault. If I hadn't tried to do this to James nothing would have ever happened." She took a deep breathe, then finished, "Get out, all of you, Get out!"

Raven and Torey raised a hand to protest, then put it back down realizing it would be no use. James on the other hand stood there without moving.

"Lily," he started, "Please, let's try and work through this, maybe this all happened for a reason."

She really wanted that to be the truth and for him to stay, but she knew it wasn't gonna work out that way. "No," she finally said as she felt the tears rolling down her face once again. "You left. You left without even giving me time to tell my side of the story. You just left, nothing will make that better." She stopped after looking down to realize she still hadn't gotten dressed. "Get out," she said with one last, final breathe.

"Evans, you'll never change. You're always gonna be like this to me. I can't stand it! I'm leaving now, because I want you to get dressed and cleaned up, but this is far from over!" He turned around and walked out the door. He startled her, for once in the seven years they knew each other, Lily knew she had really hurt James with what she had done, and he was right, this was far from over.

She uncovered herself, got out of bed, and went for a shower. She needed to clear her head from everything, and as long as she was in the castle, that wasn't gonna happen. She needed to get out of Hogwarts for the time being.


	2. raging emotions

Raven looked at Torey, who looked at James, who was pissed. The two of them decided it'd be best if they just let him alone and let him vent after what had taken place in the dorm. They walked back to the dorm without saying a word to him. They would just have to get the information from Lily.  
When they got back to the dorm, they realized that wasn't gonna happen. They looked all around the Gryffindor tower, Lily was nowhere to be found. They finally noticed a note on her dresser when they went back into the dorm disgusted that they hadn't found her. It said:  
Dear Raven and Torey,  
I had to leave the castle to clear my head of a lot of things. I don't know where I'm going yet, but I know I can't go home, I'd have to answer way to many questions. As soon as I get where I'm staying I'll let you know. Please don't show this to anyone and don't let anyone know that you heard from me. Let everybody, especially James, think that I just disappeared or something like that. Well obviously I have to leave, so I'll send you notice as soon as I get where I'm going. I'll talk to you soon.  
Love,  
Lily P.S. Remember, no matter what, no mention of this to anyone!  
"We can't listen to what she said, we have to tell James that she is gone, before it's too late," Torey said.  
"I completely agree with you," Raven frowned, "Let's go"  
They looked all over the Gryffindor tower for James, but he was nowhere to be found. Then it finally hit them that he was probably with the only person who could cheer him up, Sirius Black. The only problem was, they had no clue where Sirius was. They'd have to find him though, because James needed to know what happened with Lily.  
They had just about given up after checking every inch of the castle. Then they thought about the one place they hadn't checked, the air, James was probably flying. They ran out to the field where sure enough, they found James.  
"James," Torey yelled.  
"What do you want," he replied hastily.  
"James, calm down, it's not exactly the best time for your attitude," Raven spoke up. "It's Lily, she's gone, we have no clue where she is"  
He quickly spun his broom around in mid-air and started to land again before he started to speak again. "What do you mean she's gone"  
When he got back to the ground, they showed him the note. Before they could say even a word, he was running toward the castle at full speed. Raven looked at Torey who was watching James in awe with his amazing running skills. "Wow," they both said together as if on cue. Raven shook her head and turned back to Torey, "Whatever happened between the two of them must have been something very, very big"  
Torey shook her head in agreement. "But where is he going? It's not like they have some psychic connection, he has no clue where she even is"  
"That's exactly what I think, too. But maybe he does know where she is, I've always said they had some kind of connection." "Yeah, but I really hope you're right about this one, because Lily could be in trouble, without James or herself knowing it." Both girls quickly wiped a tear that was building in their eyes. Their best friend was now missing.  
They decided it'd be best to find James and see if he knows anything. They walked back up to the castle, into the Great Hall, where they saw James crying. This was the final thing either of them could take. James Potter was crying, that was something they never thought would happen. They ran over to him and sat down next to him. It was that instant that the feeling of loneliness without Lily finally completely set in. James picked his head up from being cupped in his hands. His face was red and it looked raw. He needed to be comforted but neither knew how to do it. "James, it's going to be okay, we'll find her. I know you care about her, but you're crying, are you sure you're okay?" Torey asked.  
"It's not that," he shouted. "If I hadn't left after it today, if I just heard her out,  
then maybe she'd be sitting here right now next to me: safe"  
"What are you talking about?" Raven asked looking confused.  
"After what happened today, she'll never talk to me again. This is all my fault. I should have heard her out, I shouldn't have left, I should have comforted her"  
"James get a grip on yourself," Torey yelled. "What happened between the two of you today? Why is this all your fault"  
"I…I… I slept with her." He started to cry into his hands again. "Then I left… I left without even hearing her out. Then I went back to talk to her and she would barely even look at me never mind talk to me, although if I were her and she were me, I wouldn't talk to me either." "James Potter, You what?" Raven screamed, half amazed, half upset.  
"Um, Rave, you heard him, don't make him say it again," Torey said trying very hard to comfort her yet calm her down at the same time.  
"You had sex with her?" Raven glared at James as if ready to attack him. "How could you? Even if she was willing, how could you? She is so fragile and now God only knows where she is. And you're sitting here telling me it's because you screwed her?  
Damn you Potter, couldn't you control yourself?" Raven was outraged. Her best friend was missing and it was because of her boyfriend's best friend. She was totally caught in the middle.  
"I know this is my fault, you don't have to make me feel ten times worse." He glared as if slightly getting annoyed with Raven's sudden burst of hatred toward him.  
"Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go and try to find Lily before any more time is wasted." He got up without turning back to look at them, and he walked out of the castle towards the Forbidden Forest. Where could she be? Is she okay? What is she gonna say when she sees me? What the hell did I get myself into? Damn it!! Damn me and my stupid asshole behavior. I wish I could just grow up already and tell her how I feel… I love her!  
He was now walking almost an hour. He had his hands shoved deep into his pockets just trying to keep them warm on this cold, frigid night. If he had read the Marauder's Map correctly, he should be finding her within the next hour. At least he hoped he would be. Then, suddenly, he heard screaming coming from a couple hundred feet away. It was Lily, he just knew it!  
"Help, help me please. Anyone, just help me," he heard very faintly. He had to get to her. For a couple of minutes everything went silent. Thank god it was long enough for him to yell to her.  
"Lily, where are you? Are you okay? Lily, can you hear me?" he yelled.  
There was no reply. What was going on? Was someone toying with him, or worse,  
with her? He had to find her, because obviously, she was in danger.  
Everything went silent once again. Then he heard even fainter screaming then some one snickering. Snape. James ran at full speed, as he had earlier, to where the screams had been coming from. He paused when he saw the sight ahead of him. "Lily," he whispered. She didn't move. There was blood all around her lower body. What had that creep done to her?  
He ran over to her. He then realized that the blood wasn't form her body, she must have just passed out. He knew she had been out here for a while, but he had no idea exactly how long. He picked her head up slowly and cradled her like a baby. "Lily, wake up. Lily,  
you need to wake up"  
She slowly tilted her head and opened her eyes. She looked up at James and her face shot to a shock of horror. "You did this to me. You psycho. Get out of here, get away from me"  
He wasn't exactly sure what to say. He knew in his heart that she wasn't talking to him about that afternoon, so what was she talking about? "Lily, are you okay? What happened? And what do you mean I did this to you"  
"I mean you threw me through the air like a fuckin' rock. I hit my head and slowly dazed off, but I was conscious, and I watched you. You walked away, you left me here to die." She started to cry.  
He wanted nothing more than to comfort her, but he knew he couldn't. She was looking in his eyes, she thought he hurt her, he would never hurt her. "Lily, I didn't do any of that to you. I was out here looking for you, you left the castle without telling anyone where you were going. That's not like you at all, are you okay? Did you only leave because of what happened earlier today? Anyway, I heard you screaming and I came in the direction of the yells. Lily, I would never do anything to hurt you, ever"  
The look of horror on her face went to a quick change of confusion. "What are you talking about? What castle? Who are you? What's your name"  
He then realized where all the questions were coming from, when she hit her head,  
she must have lost her memory. She doesn't even know who I am!! "I'm talking about 'Hogwarts', the school we go to. I'm one of your…" he paused as if not knowing what he wanted to say. He knew the word to say was friends, but he wanted to be so much more.  
"I'm one of your friends. My name is James Potter"  
When the words 'James Potter' came out of his mouth, a smile flashed across her face. "That name, it means something to me doesn't it? I know it does, I just don't know what it means! Can you take me back up to the castle, Potter?  
He smiled at her widely when he heard her call him Potter. Is she just playing with me? He looked back at her lying helplessly on the ground. No she is hurt and I need to get her to the hospital wing. "Yeah, the name defiantly means something to you. We can go to Hogwarts if you feel ready. There is a lot of people up there that really are worried about you. We all missed you." She has some memory, she called me Potter, she has to remember something!  
"Yes, I'm ready." She stood up. Her legs wobbled a little from underneath her. He went to grab a hold of her, but she stopped him. "I'm fine." She smiled. He then felt the first real smile that he had flashed since the afternoon widen across his face.  
Even when she can't remember anything, she remembers that she is too strong and independent to let anyone ever help her. "Then let's go." They walked rather slowly toward the castle. When they finally got to the front gates, she stood looking in astonishment. He gently pulled her into the castle. He knew very well that he needed to get her to the hospital wing. Hopefully, Madame Pomphrey will know what to do!

Thanks to the reviewers!

shortgirl424- thanks alot!! and awesome name ;)

angryteabag- here you go (I'm putting two up tonight enjoy), thanks!

hpjsr- thanks!

and Kait feels stupid thanking herself seeing as she's writing the thanks.

Author's friend's note: thanks alot to all the reviewers. good reviews make ACBL14 feel all warm and fuzzy inside and make me dance, so keep em' coming. and flames will be used to make me smores! 


	3. I came to tell you I love you

Chapter 3

"Where am I?" Lily asked as she looked around the room. She knew where she was, she was just unsure of how she had got there. "Calm down Miss Evans," Madame Pomphrey said quietly. "Do you remember anything that happened last night?  
Lily looked around the hospital wing with confusion, trying to get a memory of who had brought her here the night before. "I remember Snape, he followed me through the forest when I left here last night. He followed me to the spot, the spot where I saw blood. I stopped, it was unicorn blood, so I figured it was hurt nearby. I turned around to see Snape snickering, as if he was ready to do something to me. I didn't know what to do, so I screamed, I yelled for help. He was startled, he told me to shut up. I didn't listen. He walked over to me and grabbed me. He lifted me…" She shuddered a little. "That's the last thing I remember." She started to let tears roll from her eyes. She wasn't crying about what she had just said, she was crying about leaving in the first place, it hadn't solved anything. She still had feelings for James, but she knew she'd never be with him, so what good had any of this done? None.  
James heard her crying as he walked by in the hallway. He poked his head around the corner to find her awake, talking to Madame Pomphrey. He walked over to the bed. "Does she remember?" he asked hopefully. Madame Pomphrey nodded. "Then do you mind if I have a few minutes with her?" She shook her head and left the cubicle. "Lily, how are you?" He went over and sat at the edge of her bed. "I'm… I'm… I'm fine I guess. Just a little confused. You… you're here… talking to me?" She wiped the tears from her eyes and stared at him.  
He reached out for her hand and held it tight. "Yes, I'm here, what happened? Why did you leave? If I hadn't found you…" He shuddered just as Lily had earlier. "Well, that wouldn't have been good"  
Lily now gave him an even bigger look of confusion. "You found me? How did you know where to look? Why did you even come looking for me? How did you know where I ran to?" She was fill of questions for him, but she knew he'd have a lot of answers in return.  
"Raven showed me the letter, Lily. She wasn't going to not tell me. She knows how much I care for you. And quite frankly, I'm glad she told me and right now you're being a bitch for not thanking me for saving your life," he said harshly. He turned away after he had realized what he had just said. He saw tears once again flowing from her eyes. "I'm sorry," he turned to her again. "I didn't mean to say that. I was upset that's all. I'm sorry. Lily please stop crying. I hate it when you cry"  
She turned her face away from him, wiped the tears out of her eyes, then turned back to face him. "I can not believe you just said that. For one, I never said I wasn't thankful for you finding me. I thought I was going to die out there. And secondly, just because you played hero and saved me, you were the reason I was out there in the first place, in case you forgot…"  
He knew she wasn't finished, but he wasn't going to let her blame her for all of what had happened the day before, so he cut her off. "Stop, Lily, stop. You know that is totally unfair to me. I know I should've listened to you after, well you know. But that didn't give you any reason to run away. And if you were going to run away, why in the hell would you go into the forest at night? Are you insane?" He looked at her waiting for an answer. She didn't give him one.  
She rolled over and with his back to him said, "Get out… Get the hell out of my room!!" She could feel him give a shift on the bed, but he didn't get up. "Lily listen to me. We both had faults yesterday. But we also shared something wonderful." Even though she wasn't looking at him, he could tell he had her full attention. Now was when he needed to tell her exactly how he felt, when she was actually listening. "Lily… I…" Just as he was going to say it Raven and Torey walked in. "Hey girl," Raven said cheerfully. She looked to see Lily's face and she could tell she had been crying. "Lily, what's wrong? You should be so happy right now. You're alive!" She gave Lily a big hug, but Lily didn't return the hug, she just sat there limply. "Yeah," Torey joined in. "Cheer up"  
"Could you guys leave?" Lily said coldly. "It's not that I don't want you here, it's just that I need to talk to James, alone"  
"Yeah, that's fine," Raven started. "Hope you feel better Hun, I'll talk to you later"  
"Byez Lils. Don't get too rowdy in here now," Torey winked as she walked out the door laughing to herself. Lily said her goodbyes then looked back towards James. "Now, where were we? What were you going to say before they walked in? Yeah, our sex was special, it was good. Is that what you were going to say? How good our sex was?" without knowing it, she could always make him feel so guilty, even when he knows he did nothing wrong. Instead of letting her get to him, he stood up, looked down at her angel face, Yeah, that's what it was, the face of an angel, then said in a stern voice, "Wanna know what I was gonna say to you, I was gonna tell you that I love you, but now I think that I was crazy, because there's no way in hell that I could love a bitch like you. There's no way in fuckin hell." He stood breathing deeply, feeling pretty good about finally saying something that upset her, she done it to him enough, and now, he had finally gotten to return the favor. He calmed himself down then nicely said, "Good-bye," as he left the cubicle.  
She lied there, unable to move, unable to speak, even unable to think. Why didn't she say something to him? Why didn't she stop him from saying that stuff to her? It had actually hurt her, she never knew how much something James Potter would say would hurt her. Now she did. It felt like he had just put a knife through her heart. She wanted him to love her, not hurt her, but then again, she had hurt him, and maybe all he had wanted was love from her, too.  
If she had just thought about what she had done… what he had done… maybe things would be different now. Maybe he wouldn't be hurt… maybe she wouldn't be hurt…just maybe they'd be sharing their love for each other instead of bitching at each other over whose fault the last fight was, about who was right and who was wrong.  
"Miss Evans, are you feeling up to leaving today?" Madame Pomphrey asked as she returned to the room.  
I wanna leave, I want to talk to him, but if I go to talk to him, will he ever speak to me again? "Yes, I'm ready and up to leaving"  
"Okay, you can get dressed and leave. Would you like me to have someone come down and help you back up to your dorm"  
"Yes," she answered, "James Potter," she finished without hesitating. For the first time in two full days, a real smile flashed across her face. 


	4. Their Love Can't Last

: Chapter 4 "Lily, why did you want me to come down here to take you to your dorm? I thought I made it clear that I want nothing to do with you ," James said coolly.  
"Stop it, you know damn well that that's the furthest thing from the truth. You and I both know that," Lily smiled.  
"Why are you smiling? You have nothing to be happy about"  
"I am happy because you came down here. That's how I know you were lying before. If you wanted absolutely nothing to do with me you wouldn't have come down here, now would you"  
He smiled. He hated when she did this to him, yet he loved it at the same time. Once again she had tricked him, and worse, he had fallen head over heels enough for her once again to let her trick him. "Alright," James smiled. "You caught me. I did come down here to see you and be with you. But is that so bad?" He then let a full smile flash right across his face. She got up and walked over to where he was standing by the door. "No, it's not all that bad to tell you the truth." She returned the smile towards him and grabbed his hand. They walked hand in hand all the way back to her dorm.  
"I'm sorry, James," Lily whispered as he opened the door to her dormitory.  
"For what?" James asked looking confused.  
"For everything." The smile finally disappeared from her face. "But mostly because I wanna be with you but can't be"  
"I don't understand, Lily. What are you talking about? You can't be with me? Of course you can." You could tell by the sound of his voice that he was really confused. What in the bloody hell is she talking about?  
"I can't James. It's our seventh year at Hogwarts, I've wanted to be with you since the first time I saw your face. I still remember exactly how I felt, my heart wouldn't stop thumping. I didn't even know what I was feeling back then, but now I know and I can't put the feeling aside. But I also can't cave into it. I'm sorry"  
"Lily, now you're really not making any sense. You just said that you wanted to be with me since the first time you saw me, yet you can't be with me? Is that right?" You could easily tell that James was getting agitated by the sound of his voice.  
"James, please stop it. This is hard enough on me already, please don't make it any harder"  
"No, no Lily, you stop it. You're making no sense at all. You wanna be with me but can't be, that's crazy talk. Lily, here we go again. I'm trying so very hard to understand but it's just not working." "I can't tell you why, James." She wanted nothing more than to continue but the tears in her eyes were stopping her. She turned away from James and walked into her dormitory. I'm safe here. Here I don't have to tell james the awful truth of why I can't be with him. The truth I've been hiding for the past two years. She had a feeling that even the dorm wouldn't stop james from coming in, but she somehow put that feeling aside, got undressed, and took a nice warm shower. When she got out of the shower she let her hair fall from the towel. It was long, almost touching her butt, and red. James had always loved her hair. He had always loved her. But would he still love her after he knows the awful truth? She looked at herself in the mirror for a couple of minutes. "I have to tell him, I have to," she said to herself. She pulled her hair back into the towel until it was a little drier. She put on a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt, since she didn't have any classes she didn't have to be in robes. She untucked her hair from the towel once again. Then she decided to pull it in to a ponytail so that she wouldn't waste any more time getting to James. Having done all that, she set out down the corridor to find james. She found him in the last place she though she'd ever find him, the library. Wow, is he hurting that bad? He never spends his time in the library. She slowly walked up behind him, without him realizing she was there, then she whispered in his ear, "James Potter, I love you"  
He knew it was Lily, there was no doubt in his mind about that. What he did doubt was what just came out of her mouth. He turned around to face her, then shakily said, "You love me"  
She knew exactly where he was coming from. She knew his thoughts. 'How could she love me and treat me this way at the same time?' She knew that feeling, but she wasn't sure how to tell him the truth. "James, I do love you, but I'm not sure you'll love me after I tell you what I need to tell you. The reason why we can't be together. It's a secret that I've been keeping for two years. I keep it from everyone. Nobody except me, my family, and the faculty here know the truth. I'm sick James. I'm very sick, but the thing is, the doctors aren't sure of exactly what's wrong with me. That's why we can't be together, because I won't be here much longer. The doctors estimate that I only have till graduation, if I'm lucky. I can't bring you into my life now. This was meant to happen. Every time I think back things just make more sense to me. Maybe this is why we never admitted our feelings for one another, cause it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm so sorry james, I know I just sprang this on you, but you thought I didn't love you, and that is the furthest thing from the truth"  
He sat there motionless, not able to talk. All he felt he was able to do was cry, and he did. The tears just rolled down his face. For the first time ever, Lily had witnessed James Potter crying. She embraced him in a tight hug. He put his arms around her trying to comfort her and himself at the same time. He wanted to be there for her, but he couldn't do it without breaking down. He tried to speak, but the only words he managed to get out were, "I love you Lily, I always will"  
They cried on each other's shoulders for a couple minutes longer. Then, finally, everything that had just happened made sense in James' brain. He finally comprehended. "No," he cried. "I can't lose you. I can't lose you, Lily, I can't"  
Lily pulled a firmer grip on him and said, "Everything is going to be okay, James Potter, I love you. Don't you ever forget that. You hear me? Never forget that. I will always love you and always be with you." "Lily, I love you too." He pulled her even closer to him. He let a few more tears fall onto her shoulder. Later that day they were still together. He hadn't left her side since the moment he found out. They didn't go to the Great Hall for dinner that night. Instead, they laid in each other's arms for the rest of the night.  
At around ten thirty, Raven finally came into the dormitory. She looked towards Lily and then james. They've been crying. What's wrong? "Guys, are you okay? Is something wrong? What happened," she blurted out.  
Lily straightened up, not even realizing Raven had come in. She wiped her face really quickly, then looked at James. "Nothing, nothing at all is wrong. We just finally decided to tell each other how we really feel. It's no reason to be crying, it's really stupid. I mean really, there's people out there dying. Shouldn't we be crying for them instead of something stupid like love?" She stopped, realizing that she had just classifying herself as one of those people that they were in fact crying for. She once again felt a tear rolling down her face and then felt james' finger as he quickly wiped it away.  
"Remember, Lily, everything is going to be okay. It's going to be okay," james said trying to comfort her.  
She grabbed his hand and held it tightly in hers. "I believe you," she said through tears.  
James couldn't help but think, you believe me, no if only I could believe myself! Raven looked back and forth from each of their crying faces. "I don't understand," she said finally, "What is going on?" When neither of them answered her, she went to the door, opened it, and said, "I will find out," before leaving the dorm room.  
After making sure Raven was gone from listening distance, Lily turned to James and said, "No, she won't. Nobody will find this out. They can't! I'm not the kinda person who tells news like this to people. I don't want pity. You have to promise me you won't tell anyone. Please promise me that"  
"Lily, I'll do whatever you need or want me to do, even if I don't agree with it, so yes, I promise. I won't speak a word of this to anybody. But I do think that you should tell Raven and Torey, you shouldn't have to go through this alone," James replied. She pushed herself closer up against his warm body. Then looked deep into his hazel eyes and said, "I have the strength and support I need right here in the bed with me. You're the only person I need to help me through this. I'm not doing it alone as long as you're here." She slightly smiled at him. He gave her a shy smile and then kissed her lips softly.  
She stated to cry again. He caught her tears with a kiss. He held her tight to him. He loved her being in his arms, and she loved being in his arms. They were the perfect pair. They belonged together, but they both knew that it wouldn't last much longer. The next couple of weeks went by the same way. Raven and Torey, and Sirius and Remus, and even peter, were trying to figure out what was going on between Lily and James, but they didn't push for answers. The season was changing to spring in England. Everyone was sad because this was there last spring they'd see at Hogwarts, but Lily and James were sad because this was the last spring Lily would ever see.  
That afternoon was the worst ever. It was the 26th of march, only 5 weeks before graduation. Lily and James spent their morning having some "fun" in the dorm. That afternoon though, Lily went missing, she was simply no where to be found. James sat crying in the Gryffindor common room for the remainder of the day. This was it. I've lost her. She's gone, she's really gone. I should go talk to Dumbledore, but I can't bring myself to say it, is Lily Evans dead? 


	5. The will to live

Lily got off of the Hogwarts Express, Platform 9 ¾, at about 2 o'clock that afternoon. She felt horrible that nobody except the professors and Dumbledore knew where she was. And she felt even worse when she thought of how she just left James, not knowing where she was. She could only think that their were only five weeks till graduation. She got told by her doctor that she might not make it until graduation. If this was true was today the last time she'd ever see James Potter? She didn't even say good-bye to him before she left to get on the train. Am I ever gonna get to see him, hold him, or tell him I love him ever again? Why this? Why now? Why me?  
She slowly walked through the barrier to where her parents were supposed to be waiting for her. She could feel herself getting weaker. She was mad at everyone and everything. I wish this wasn't happening to me. At least not now. Not when I just found love.  
She saw her mom waiting with open arms for her, she tried to run to her, but she felt weak. I hate days like these. Why am I fine one day and the next I have no strength?  
She regained her strength then slowly walked to her mom and dad. For once, when she saw her older sister Petunia, she was happy.  
"Oh, honey," her mother cried. "We're so sorry that you had to come home. We know how badly you want to graduate from Hogwarts, I'm so sorry that you can't"  
"Mom, stop," Lily said calmly. "I haven't given up, not yet. We have to talk to the doctor one final time, or so he says. Maybe things are different, maybe there's been a change." She finished sounding hopeful, but knowing that what she said might happen was very unlikely. "Angel," her dad started, "You know what is happening to you. There is a lot of weight against you, but not all that much for you"  
She felt tears coming from her eyes, but she fought them back. "You're wrong"  
she said quietly. "You don't understand, I have way too much to live for. I have to graduate as top of my class, just as I had planned before I found out I was sick. Besides, I have you guys. I can't let you down. I have to wait until tomorrow. I can't stop thinking positive"  
Petunia tried to help her sister out by saying, "I think Lily should look at the positive. Maybe there will be some freak chance she'll pull through." Petunia put her arm around Lily, then finished, "Now let's go home"  
Lily tried to let a smile come to her face, but it just wouldn't. She pulled her sister tight in a hug and finally let the tears fall from her eyes. "Thanks sis, at least somebody gets what I'm trying to say"  
They put their arms around one another and walked out of the train station. When they finally got to her house was when reality finally set in. This was probably the last time she'd be returning home from Hogwarts, hell it was probably the last time for a lot of things.  
They went into the house, her father carrying all her things. He didn't even let her carry her owl, which she'd need immediately. She went straight to her room and closed the door. Her owl was already in her room. Her father must have realized she needed it urgently. She went over to her bed and sat down, she was going to take a little nap before she wrote to James, because she really needed to clear her head. I need to write to him because he's gonna think the worst has happened. James is going to think I died. I didn't die, I'm not going to fuckin die. I can't lose everything I finally have with him. I can't, I refuse to! "I need to write to him," she said to herself. "He needs to know I'm alive and I'm going to be okay. But how do I tell him I'm okay when we both know I'm not"  
Tears began to once again flow from her eyes.

Note from the author's friend:  
Thank you to all of the reviewers! Even those who didn't like the story! But as I said before, flames are just being used to make smores! MMMM! yummy...

now there's this button down there...if you click it...wonderful things will happen..like this box will appear and you get to type what you think of the story in it..and when you do that it makes the author and her friend very happy! so click the magic button! 


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